Of more adeek-cion.

I was able to watch The Sound of Music again. It is probably the nth time I’ve seen it. It doesn’t matter. That movie really rocks… in a classical sort of way.

I’m envious of my mom who knows the lyrics of all the songs in that movie but this is not important…

I was trying to comprehend on ‘What if The Sound of Music was made today?’ (or probably a remake to cater to today’s generation.)

I would say that the start of the movie should be somewhere in those war-stricken countries in the Middle East, probably Spain or Puerto Rico (uyyy… joke yan. Bwahahaha). The most possible answer for this one is Afghanistan or Puerto Rico (ang sarap kasing sabihin ng Puerto Rico e. “For the evening wear, we have Miissssss Pueerrrtttooo Ricooooo!!!! She’s clad in a long blue dress made by the famous designer, Nishon.” Sikat yang si Nishon. Makilala mo sya sa kantang ‘Lagyan ng Biton’. Ay… nawawala na ko sa focus. Back to regular programming program…)

I think this Afghanistan country is a country for Muslims and we need a starting plot (hahaha. Hindi ko alam ang term) for the film. We could use the style for the starting scene but we can only show the dry mountains of that country. We would still use the same religion for Julie Andrews and in a freak occasion of nature, there will be a convent in the middle of the country (hello? Uso ang imposible sa movies noh! Napanood mo na ba yung MI3? Powtek talaga yung movie na yun, kinuryente si Papa Tom tapos nabuhay na sya. Odiba naman. Potah. Buti na lang sinalo nya yung career nya sa Tropic Thunder.)

I would be fine if Julie’s character is a little different. She would be a happier-go-luckier gal. Let’s just say she’s still a virgin but… **wink** (am I getting blasphemous here? Kakantahan ko na lang kayo ng Blasphemous Rumours ng grupong pendong este yung grupong Deleche Mode)

I then would think that Maria (eto yung pangalan nung character ni Julie’s Bakeshop) would be thrown out because of her uhm… **wink** nature. Mother Superior would first ask her to get some mushrooms at the back of the convent (this is an inside joke) and then she’ll send her to the first task (waw, parang Amazing Race).

I am happy to announce that she’ll be the help of the Von Trapp family. As Maria has some Pinoy blood running through her vains (hoy hindi to racist a. yung sketch nga na Maritess and the Super Friends walang nagreklamo kay Rex e), she has the ability to be a great help (ayan a. may great pa kong sinama. So, GH na sya.)

I’ll probably still say that the start of Maria’s stay in the Von Trapp five-kilometer mansion with a basketball court, five swimming pools, an infinity pool, a tennis and badminton court, a bowling alley, a helipad and an airstrip, an aviary and a fireplace for floo network is absolutely fascinating for the whorish err… gay girl.

I’m proud that Maria was able to endure her tribulations (yes, contradictory na yung takbo ng story, as most stories in this day and age) inside the Von Trapp household. The father has probably the same position in the army (though it will not be that clear dahil hindi naman talaga kailangang I-explain yung mga ganito. Parang yung sex life ni Bella at Edward.) The Von Trapp children are quite marvelous in their own way. The bunso is probably lesbian and the two boys are probably gay (super twin gays sila!) The panganay is like a malanding girl (na malamang hindi na virgin, tinalo pa si Maria) and one of the sisters is probably like Daria. And the other girl is ignored (syempre, dapat may ignored na anak. May purpose yung plot nung story na yan.)

(napapagod na kong gayahin yung style ni Stephanie Meyer. Ang hirap ng puro I yung start ng paragraph. Back to usual style na muli!)

Next scene would be the deflowering of the malanding panganay in the gazebo…

Now, since a remake is better for this film, all the songs will stay. There would be some adjustments with the lyrics and on how it is portrayed in the film. We’re done past some songs already and zoom to the song Do-Re-Mi.

If you’ll remember the lyrics of the song, there’ll be some bastos part if you’ll ever notice it. It would be ‘Do Mi Mi Mi So So Re Fa Fa La Ti Ti’. Now, the directors of the film would then tap our very own TVJ to give some help in converting the song on screen. (sana nagegets yung punto ko dito. Try nyong manood ng TVJ movies and wait for the sing and dance part, lalong lalo na ang Elvis and James, na wala si Tito, basta ganun… hahaha. Walang kwentang mag explain.)

The next scene would show the baroness that the captain is courting. Of course, there should be a love scene between the two (it’s a given, probably around thirty seconds). After that, she’ll meet with the wet Von Trapp children and a wet Maria (c’mon, malamang sleazy yung scene na ito. This might win in the Most Sexiest Scene for the Kid’s Choice Awards). Just remember that this is the boat scene. If you can’t remember it, watch SOM again.

There will be a tension between Maria and the Captain. Maria will look at the Captain and the vice versa and a loud “tooooinnnggg” will be heard ala sound effect. And then there would be a long pause with Maria and the Captain seeing each other eye to eye (probably a minute and the two characters would wipe their eyes since they’re not blinking or anything as this is probably the stupidest part of the film.)

So, things will happen in the family. The baroness will catch the Captain and Maria do it. The baroness would just accept it though she would make-bawi with one of the gay sons unknowing for the baroness that all the sons in the family are gay. It doesn’t matter if it’s the case because this son decided to be a guy again (so it’s like imprinting without the imprint, again a Twilight reference.)

After the entire hullabaloo in the family, Maria is officially a part of the family but she’s not married with the Captain. The prenuptial agreement is not yet ready and the children have accepted Maria as they’re mother. They usually call her, “Yo! Mommma!”

Of course, the conclusion of the movie would be that the Afghan soldiers would tell the Captain to join them and he would say no. And in some incredible instance, there would also be a festival and the Von Trapp family would join the affair. After that, we’ll have the same scene from the old film (as in literally they’ll, cut the old film and splice it with the new one. Astig diba. Bagong style ng movie yan. Due to lack of funds.)

Then, they’ll escape.

During the escape they’ll still be singing Climb Every Mountain. The family would be able to hide from the Afghan soldiers and there’ll come a time when the whole family would starve and then enter the forgotten child. She would then kill her kin one by one (without anyone knowing that she’s the killer) and she’ll turn cannibal (because she was ignored) and at the end of the film she’ll end up alone.

So, that’s it. This is a total waste of time.

–=+=–

And yeah, there’s a Stephen King reference at the end. (saya noh?)

I’m sure that the film would be effective since we love these kinds of films. Action, Drama, Sex, and your usual scary ending…

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~ by targrod on December 6, 2008.

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