:: bottom dollar baby ::

Two hours in and I am not ecstatic to touch, hear, feel, and see the raucous two-colored programming language of the old and still running strong. I am fighting a losing bout. I am still there but I am ready to give up. No, I am still fighting and I have a feeling that I am losing but as you can see, I am still here, trying to mend with this ugly Gemini. It’s not easy. It’s never easy.

I know something is wrong in me, within me, and inside of me. But I need to brush it aside as I need to be the building block, foundation even, of the people around me. The fighter in me says I still can while the ultra-sensitive delicate me wants to just stay there, sit, act dunce, and play dead. Acceptance of such is actually ultimately hard. I knew it was hard and again, I am still fighting it. It’s not easy. It’s never easy.

Maybe, I just miss the old me: carefree, stupid, naive, joker, and willing to move on whatever shit is thrown at him. Nope. Not gonna happen. Adult life is different. It’s very tricky. It’s very suicidal actually. It’s the shit. It is one great fuck, both good and bad. I’m not even sure if the fluids inside are just acting up. BUT I have this feeling as of recent. I try to shy away. I try to move on. I even packed excess baggage. I do not know which one, and which are not working. I am a mess. It’s not easy. It’s never easy.

Sulking doesn’t work. Moping doesn’t work. As said, I really do not know what is happening but I am regularly upset and angry. I hope it’s okay to walk miles. I hope it’s okay to still do improv. I am trying to work these things on my own. I don’t want to be a burden to other people. I’d rather hear their stories, their problems, their life. It’s fairly different nowadays. I actually can’t do those things. If I refocus my energy to make it lovelier, I would. Or maybe, just maybe, I should write more. I need to stop the senseless Facebook games and continue with music, books, and the cinema. Spend more fabulous time with my family. I think that’s the solution. It’s not easy. It’s never easy.

Dear Jay-r, accept what is happening. Do not be extra-sensitive about everything. It’s not about you, maybe sometimes. But it’s not always about you. You are turning 34 and you need to rebuild your life to a better tomorrow. Tomorrow is really near. 25 years is no joke. You need to accomplish more. You need to travel more. You need to laugh more. You need to listen to more indie music. You need to watch more films. You need to read more books. You need to rekindle your life with your friends even if you can’t connect with them physically. You need to improve your improv and spend beautiful time with these extraordinary people. You need to spend more time with your super lovely wife. You need to teach your child and love her selflessly.

This is the first time I have to shout, in a really long time, of what I am currently feeling. Writing really helps.


~ by targrod on March 23, 2015.

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